What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
