You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
