I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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