woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
