what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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