the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
