Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
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