My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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