Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
