I'd wear matching sweaters with you
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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