The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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