Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I AM VODKA MAN
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
