Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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