when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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