Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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