Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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