i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
