My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
