I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
