We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
