Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize