these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
