So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
