I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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