Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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