we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
