Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
