I must be too annoying 4 u.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
