im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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