Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I wish i was in the wii world.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
