just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
