Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
