I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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