Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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