I skipped work to stalk him.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize