I'm so fucking centered right now
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
