Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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