is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
How external is "for external use only"?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
