I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
