Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
