It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
