I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize