Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you would pick up someone in the library
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Well I just put wine in my tea
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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