I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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