Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
