If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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