And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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