I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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