booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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