She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
