I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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