you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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